North American Slacker

Introduction:  This is the opening chapter to what would have been The Philosophy of the North American Smart-Ass.  I can see myself ten years ago writing these words.  Enjoy.

Who Are You

I would like to know what the official dates for Generation X are.  I’ve heard it as 1963 to 1975 and I’ve also heard it from 1965 till 1978.  Now to most of the population of the world this may seem like a rather pointless question but every one born from 1975 to 1978 should be very concerned with this question (I my self was born in 1976.).

Do we wish to be the last few of the pierced, coffee addicted, conservative, corporate climbing Gen X’ers or do we want to be related to a completely new generation that has yet to be named?  I have heard that this new generation is being dubbed as Generation Why, and if that is the case it only confirms a theory I’ve had that the baby boomer generation hasn’t thought up anything original since they invented the sixties.

Looking at these options I’ve chosen to align myself with this new emerging generation, as one of the older members this gives me a voice of authority and a chance to be one of the pioneering leaders.  For a fledgling megalomaniac this is very important.

So I’ve compiled a list of demands that should be met by both the generation X’ers and the baby boomers by no later than some arbitrary date I’ll set later.

Notice:   This list is not done in TOP TEN format.  When David Letterman thought this up back when I wasn’t allowed to stay up that late I’m assuming it was funny.  So funny in fact that when he switched networks he felt it necessary to risk lawsuit to take it with him.  Now it is just tedious.

1. Stop all car manufacturing.  We do not want to have to be responsible for the mangled world that is going to be left behind if this fad of owning a car is to continue.  An entire economy based upon the production of a machine that most of the members of that society cannot afford without a loan is no basis for an economy.
2. Stop all cigarette manufacturing.  Plain and simple.  We all know they are bad for you.  The way I see it my generation still has a few members that haven’t left diapers yet and I don’t want them to even been given the opportunity to greet these little cancer sticks with wide eyes and arms just as if they were the latest gaming system to come from Japan.
3. The CIA MUST stop all drug trafficking in the inner cities.  I can’t believe that nobody figured this out a long time ago.  You mean to tell me that a couple of guys flying some Cesnas were responsible for all of the drugs to come in to this county in the mid eighties?  Give me a break.  We are not that stupid.  OK maybe you are.
4. The entire Pentagon budget must be zeroed out and those monies redirected toward a universal health care system.  Fortunately at this point in time most of my generation is not yet old enough to work let alone start to worry about keeping themselves and future families healthy.  It is a well known fact that the reason health care costs are so high in this country is that most people don’t have health insurance and wait until they are so sick they can’t stand it and go to the emergency room and leave it to the state to figure out the bill.  I don’t care how you do it.  I will not accept ”We don’t have the money.”  I will also not accept “What about national security?”  I think that keeping every member of our society in the best physical health they can is very important to national security.  Take a tip from Nike.
5. The government must release every document dealing with aliens and UFO’s.   Come on we’re all just a little curious on this one.
6. Make higher education a right not a privilege and turn the higher education system in to a socialist model.  This is simple.  The pentagon’s budget is so huge that when we come to the end of the month to pay the health care bill we will have a couple trillion left over to pay for everyone’s higher education at your average community and state college.  A bachelor’s degree should be as easily attainable as a high school diploma.  A loan should not have to be taken out to attend STATE COLLEGE.
7. Zero out the national debt.  See numbers 4 and 6.
8. Every one must come to their senses on issues such as Homosexuality and Abortion.  When will everyone else in this society realize that these are private issues not ones for public debate.  It is a woman’s RIGHT to CHOOSE, in a FREE society that CHOICE must be left there.  When two people love each other and make a commitment to care for and protect each other they should be allowed to right of all married couples.
9. Flat Tax.  This is a very good SIMPLE idea.  Coupled with government cuts in spending and an upward sliding rate scale (Bill Gates would pay something like 98% with no loop holes) I want a tax system that can be explained in twenty five words or less.

These demands are very simple.  Most every other country in the world implements at least some of these ideas.  How this country got this far with out them will always elude me.  Most of this is common sense and should be done if not let me put it this way “We will control Social Security when you need it most.”

So there is chapter one of the unfinished, barely started Philosophy of the North American Smart-Ass.  Re-reading it after all these years brings back some memories.  Here we have some great insight in to my mind from over a decade ago.  I think it would be fun to take a peek in to my mind today and gain some perspective.  The list of demands is the most intersting place to look.  The fact that there is a reference to Dave Letterman is a pop culture reference to his shift from NBC to CBS.

1. Back in the day I would have considered myself a non-violent-Eco-Nazi-conscientious-objector.  Cars were and still are horrible pollution machines and I still feel that we need to take drastic strides to improve this situation.  The real irony is that since I wrote this, I have moved to Michigan and work third tier for the auto industry.  I’m going to chalk this up to attempting to change the beast from within.
2. Michigan is one of a handful of states that still does not have a state wide smoking ban in place.  It is still strange to be asked “Smoking or Non.”
3. Around the time that this was originally written a major story was uncovered that linked CIA operatives to cocaine smuggling.  At the time I felt that it was a shocking story that deserved national attention.  Looking back now, it saddens me that it was swept under the rug.
4. Too bad I never did publish this rant.  Ben Cohen ended up re-hashing this entire idea years later with his now famous Oreo Cookie cartoon.
5. My friends and I were rather in to X-Files at the time.  Battlestar Galactica is a far superior show.
6. Have to reffer back to number 4 on this one.
7. And here too.
8. Ten years on and we are still dealing with these same fundamental wedge issues.  These issues only exist to keep us fighting amongst ourselves and not addressing real issues in society.
9. Ahhh the flat tax.  Steve Forbes had recently ran for president and we were all obsessed with his idea of a flat tax.  While today I still have no idea what a flat tax is or how it would work, I still like the idea of a tax code that can be explained in twenty-five words or less.